Keine Ahnung, ob Twitter besser drauf war oder ich, aber die Liste ist mal wieder ordentlich lang. Woo-hoo, Herbst!
Hunde seufzen manchmal so laut als ob sie wüssten wer Christian Lindner ist
— E L H O T Z O (@elhotzo)
Aug 26, 2022
The main reason I don’t like being the only woman in D&D groups is because one morning my noble (who was dealing with some family trauma) showed up with BANGS and none of the other players realized the emotional turmoil that this implied.
— Lisa Ohanian (@pwnieride)
Aug 30, 2022
confession: i always liked watching boyfriends play video games. the stories are fun but i’m not good at using the controller!!! and it can actually be very feminist to sit back and say “go in that room i bet something is in there”
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen)
Sep 1, 2022
Kollegin: „Du isst Froot Loops? Das ist doch für Kinder.“
Gute Frau, um Zuckerringe statt Vollkornbrot frühstücken zu dürfen, bin ich extra erwachsen geworden.
— Tomate (@Mozzirella_)
Sep 8, 2022
I found $20 laying in the parking lot and thought to myself “What would Jesus do?”
So, I turned it into wine.
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057)
Sep 10, 2022
I’m at a Billy Joel concert and the level of audience excitement for each song can best be summarized as: “Holy shit he’s playing another Billy Joel song!!!”
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman)
Sep 10, 2022
don’t you understand? the human race IS an endless number of monkeys. and every day we produce an endless number of words. and one of us already wrote hamlet.
— Llama in a Tux (@LlamaInaTux)
Sep 10, 2022
dating apps have taught me that if I don’t enjoy hiking I will die alone
— jarvis johnson (@jarvis)
Sep 11, 2022
Als Altersvorsorge habe ich lange darauf gebau in eine gutbürgerliche deutsche Familie einzuheiraten aber ich hasse Wandern, also muss ich arm sterben.
— commie (@thecommiemommy)
Sep 12, 2022
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss)
Sep 12, 2022
Leute so: der Biss der Nosferatu-Spinne ist nur wie ein Wespenstich DAS IST MIR EGAL ICH MÖCHTE NICHT VON GROẞEN SPINNEN GEBISSEN WERDEN WAS IST DARAN NICHT ZU VERSTEHEN ICH BIN OFFEN FÜR VIELES ABER KEINE BISSE VON SPINNEN SO EINFACH IST DAS BOOM NACH DIESEM KODEX LEBE ICH!
— Aurel No-Nosferatu-Strategie (@aurelmertz)
Sep 12, 2022
tell your cat I said pspspspsps
— Dont Show Your Cat (@DontShowYourCat)
Sep 14, 2022
Behind every great author is a spouse making six figures in STEM
— Jeff Bishop (@thejeffbishop)
Sep 15, 2022
“this meeting could have been an email” yeah but look on the bright side, this meeting also could have been a musical
— trash jones (@jzux)
Sep 15, 2022
“ahhh am i remembering everything??? i hope so…” – me, leaving my house without my Broken Object on my way to the Broken Object Fixer store
— charlie (@chunkbardey)
Sep 16, 2022
I don’t care how famous you are, you will never feel more important than a dog at a party
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_)
Sep 17, 2022
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like „damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler“
— Jesse Case (@jessecase)
Sep 17, 2022
no do not email me the receipt. do not remind me i did this.
— Becca O’Neal 🍒 (@becca_oneal)
Sep 17, 2022
If I knew Liz Truss was going to speak at my funeral I would very simply not die.
— Rob (@bertnews)
Sep 19, 2022
To everyone who ever said I didn’t “look autistic”, know that I’m constantly running ActLikePeopleExpect.exe in my brain, am not always aware I’m doing it, and it’s eating up at least 50% of my RAM.
It’s also the reason for a lot of CPU overheating.
— Doctor B (@TheeDoctorB)
Sep 20, 2022
soup is a charade we all participate in in the endless quest to eat more bread
— Ania Magliano (@AniaMags)
Sep 21, 2022
Lemme clear it up for you. Sci-fi is when the big dirty city is called Fallen Star, and fantasy is when the big dirty city is called Fällėnstâr.
— Sacha Coward (@sacha_coward)
Sep 23, 2022
something about me is I have to be the best customer. I need an A+ in customer. I want to believe that after I walk out the employees are like wow she has clearly worked in customer service and they smile and nod to each other
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber)
Sep 23, 2022
Wish I had the confidence of a bay leaf, just strolling into every recipe doing absolutely fuck all
— David Callan (@davidxcallan)
Sep 24, 2022
Netflix braucht ein Feature „hier sind Sie eingeschlafen, möchten Sie den Teil nochmal sehen?“
— Octo (@octodontidae)
Sep 27, 2022
im not an “impulse spender” but i still regularly make terrible financial decisions they’re just well thought out and meticulously planned
— folake aina (@f0lake)
Sep 29, 2022
Vielen Dank, das fand ich sehr klug und lustig.