“You better watch out”
No problem
“You better not cry”
Now hold on a second
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby)
Dec 2, 2022
for my next trick, i will spend 4 hours cooking a meal that the recipe says should only take me 30 minutes
— trash jones (@jzux)
Dec 3, 2022
a sitcom about a friend group where not everyone is in every episode because they have other friends they like to hang out with sometimes
— dave horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz)
Dec 9, 2022
mal wieder so einen brief vom finanzamt bekommen, dem ich als formal hoch gebildete muttersprachlerin nicht entnehmen kann, ob ich geld bezahlen soll, geld erhalten werde oder ins gefängnis muss.
— m. (@ohaimareiki)
Dec 13, 2022
ab jetzt (Sonne is weg) werden die Tage wieder länger also nicht unbedingt besser aber länger!
— Margarete Stokowski (@marga_owski)
Dec 21, 2022
man kann der Menschheit wirklich viel vorwerfen, aber aus Weintrauben haben wir wirklich absolut alles rausgeholt
— E L H O T Z O (@elhotzo)
Dec 31, 2022
Your honor my client pleads the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift
jury: hallelujah
— floptimus prime ribᵀᴹ (@FireBeets)
Dec 1, 2022
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
— Carly Maris, PhD (@vintagehistoria)
Dec 2, 2022
he’s making a list. he’s checking it twice. he’s using pretty colors. he’s so organized. that was a lot of work. he’s taking a nap.
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss)
Dec 4, 2022
How do I teach my body that my fight or flight response is supposed to be for life or death situations, not answering an email
— killer queen (@_chismosa_)
Dec 8, 2022
Our first Christmas as parents (2020): Yes we’re trying to minimize consumerism and screen time, so please stick to wooden toys without batteries
Our second Christmas with two kids (2022): Yeah they like anything related to Paw Patrol, which we watch 12 hours a day
— Mallie (she/her) (@MallieRydzik)
Dec 13, 2022
no i will not ‘jump to recipe’ i want to read how your husband left you.
— Jen Begakis (@jenbegakis)
Dec 16, 2022
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
— meghan (@deloisivete)
Dec 23, 2022
Gather ‘round, ladies. It’s time for the annual buying of The Notebook That Will Change Everything™️.
— Jaclyn A. Siegel, PhD (@jacasiegel)
Dec 28, 2022
Ich brauche keine Vorsätze, die von vor drei Jahren sind noch so gut wie nicht benutzt.
— André Herrmann (@antrehherrmann)
Dec 31, 2022